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Zoro The Ram [userpic]
by Zoro The Ram (thelastredbull)
at November 13th, 2008 (10:44 pm)

Anyone know any good baby recipes?


Posted by: ☆Pulse☆ (impure_impulse)
Posted at: November 14th, 2008 07:09 am (UTC)
Baby Stew:
Lawyers: Viola Chuckle

Today’s dish is one of my favorites called Baby Stew. As you may have guessed the main ingredient in all of these recipes is the succulent flesh of a newborn human. The reason babies are more desirable is that they haven’t had a chance to build up lean stringy muscle. They’re like human veal.

So let’s get started. The most difficult part of any Infant recipe is procuring the meat. A good place to get the babies is at an overcrowded orphanage because they won’t really notice if a baby is missing. Sometimes you’ll be lucky enough to find one in a dumpster. This is rare but the best time to look is about nine months after prom night. A dumpster baby is the best because you get your stew and the scared teenage girl who threw it away never gets caught so everyone wins.

The ingredients:

1 baby
1 stick of butter
4 cups of water
3 cups of rice
1½ cups of celery
2 cups diced onion
1 clove garlic, pressed

I like the baby to be fresh so that the meat is at its sweetest. So you have to keep the baby alive as you use the parts. Plus if you kill the baby beforehand you miss out on the most important seasoning, the tears. Baby tears are by far the most robust flavor you could hope to have in any stew. With Baby Stew the main ingredient bastes itself in it’s own delicious flavor. First, you have to knead the baby. Don’t be afraid to press your fists, knuckles, and even elbows down into the meat to loosen up and tenderize the meat. A meat tenderizer could be used as well but you run the risk of shattering the bones which means you’ll miss out on my favorite part, chewing on the bone like a big toothpick after the meal. And be sure to do this in a pan so you can catch the tears for basting. Once the baby is nice and tender use the stick of butter give it a nice thick buttery coating. Don’t be afraid to use the whole stick. Then set the baby out in the sun or in a window for 20 minutes. Make sure to flip it after 10 minutes. This allows the butter to seep in which will help bring out the full-bodied flavor of the baby meat. And once again the baby is stewing in its own tears. Take this time to dice your onions and celery and press your garlic.
Now that the baby is prepared it’s time to quarter it. Don’t worry, “quarter” is just a cooking term. You aren’t actually cutting the baby into four pieces. You’re cutting its limbs off. Using a cleaver and a cutting board (and it may be a good idea to spread some trash bags on the floor for easy clean up) chop off the arms at the shoulders and the legs at the hips. Don’t be put off by the bursting capillaries in the baby’s eyes, the tears will still be delicious.

Put all the pieces of the baby into a pot with the water, celery, onions, garlic and any of your favorite seasonings. Let is simmer for 30 to 45 minutes. When the meat starts falling off the bones add the rice. Continue simmering until the rice is tender. Remove from heat and enjoy.

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